“It would be nice to have, but I’m not sure what they’re going to do,” she said as she shrugged her shoulders.
We were talking about the tools and resources her team needed, the kind of conversation we had all the time. She was a manager on my team, and a fantastic human being. I was a VP who reported directly to the CEO, and she had untethered access to me every single day.
She was one conversation away from almost every decision that got made.
So I gave her a confused look.
“Who is they?”
She fumbled for an answer, and I realized what was happening. Of course, with what she wanted, we would need some cross-departmental collaboration and buy-in from other departments…
…But at the end of the day…
“We are they,” I told her. “It’s us. It’s you and me. Whatever you want to have happen, we can make it happen. We can make the decision right here, right now.”
We had a great, trusting relationship, and we accomplished a lot together. But there was always an undertone: a sense that she sat outside where decisions got made, and that her opinion wouldn’t influence much no matter how often I showed up in her corner.
In one way, it baffled me. In another, it was familiar.
I grew up with it.
“We are they,” I told her. “It’s us.”
Where does “they” come from?
When I was a kid, I’d be driving with my mom and she’d point out a new building being built. “They’re building a new dentist office.”
Later, something would change in politics, maybe something that affected tax refunds. “They” came up again.
It seemed as though “they” were always changing things, and we didn’t always like it.
None of this was improper use of the English language, not on my mom’s part or anyone else’s. How else do you talk about people you don’t know?
But over the years, something developed in my mind about how we talked about “they.”
They built things.
They went to university.
They became successful.
They were rich.
They were smart.
They were “bosses.”
They made decisions.
They had control.
…And therefore, we did not.
What is They Syndrome?
I’ve come to call this They Syndrome: this underlying belief that decisions, success and opportunity belong to other people (“them”) and not to you.
Parents aren’t necessarily teaching this to kids on purpose. You absorb it from how a household talks about people with more: more money, more education, more connections, or more power, like “the government.” We didn’t make the decisions. They did.
I’d argue a lot of people carry this into adulthood, into boardrooms, team meetings and their own lives, without ever noticing it.
Why does it hold you back?
If deep down you believe you have no power to influence or change things, how much effort are you really going to put into growing, influencing or changing them?
And if developing yourself doesn’t ever get you anything in return, is it worth the effort? Why bother?
When I decided to write about “They Syndrome,” I learned that psychology has a name for the bigger idea underneath this.
In 1954, psychologist Julian B. Rotter introduced the concept of locus of control. It describes whether you believe the outcomes in your life are influenced mostly by you (an internal locus) or mostly by outside forces like luck, fate, other people, groups, or circumstances (an external locus).
You can see it in small moments:
Did you fail the test because it was too hard and there wasn’t enough time allotted, or because you weren’t as prepared as you could have been?
Were you late because of the construction that held up traffic, or because you didn’t plan for it and leave a little bit earlier?
Did you skip applying for the job because you figured you wouldn’t get it anyway, while the person who got it did everything they could to influence the outcome?
Yes, the road construction is real. Some tests are unfair. Some decisions are made with bias, and not everything is in your control. But They Syndrome is something different: it’s giving away and giving up on the parts you could influence before you’ve even tried.
Do you ever “suffer” from They Syndrome?
I challenge you to pay attention and be mindful of any thoughts that show up that imply that influence and control exist for other people, but not for you. Maybe you don’t explicitly say “they,” but the idea is there - anytime you draw a line between you and other people/groups.
Again, I’ll emphasize that it’s true that you can’t influence everything… But where is your line?
Is success meant for them, but not for you?
Is money meant for them, but not for you?
What about connection, belonging, a purposeful career, an adventure, a business, a potential spouse?
What are you cutting yourself off from?
Remember what I told my manager: We are they. So are you.
Chris Caldwell is a Certified Life Coach based in Shediac, New Brunswick. His mission is to help people find belonging, build connection and live with purpose by taking ownership of their story.
Not sure where to start? The Clarity Compass helps you see which areas of your life need attention.
